Archives for April 2009 | Varied Celluloid

Archive for April, 2009

Sabu’s Got A New Flick, Nippon’s Got The Trailer!

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 30 - 2009

The Crab Cannery ShipAre you familiar with Sabu? No, not the Pro-Wrestler – although he’s pretty awesome as well (dude, when he ripped open his bicep on barbwire and then taped it up with duct tape in mid-match? EPIC!) I’m talking about the actor/filmmaker from Japan. Most of you will remember him best from Ichi the Killer, he played the ex-cop who is hired by Kakihara and who Ichi believes to be his brother due to Jiji’s mind games. So anyway, if you didn’t know he’s a pretty accomplished director in his own right making many famous cult flicks. Me personally, I have probably five or so of his films and I won’t lie to you – just haven’t found that one that makes me a super fan. Believe me, I want to be but his stream-of-conscious narratives kind of throw me off and tend to be kind of episodic. His latest, titled The Crab Cannery Ship, looks like a departure from the fun inner city romps such as Unlucky Monkey, Drive and Postman Blues.

According to those quick paced dogs over at nipponcinema his latest is based off of a 1929 novel from Takiji Kobayashi. Ryuhei Matsuda (who is actually starting to look like a male, whoa!) stars as a sailor on a crab cannery ship and is beaten around by the overbearing employers. He incites a mutiny onboard in order to take over the ship for the workers. I’m picturing Crimson Tide, but with less awesome Gene Hackman and more Sabu-esque comedy. Will I see it? Absolutely.

If you didn’t click the nipponcinema link above, CLICK HERE TO SEE THE TRAILER!

Jackie Chan Announces 100th Flick

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 29 - 2009

Jackie's 100th Film Press ConferenceWho doesn’t love Jackie Chan? Well, I know a few people who aren’t fans (my uncle in particular, who never really got the whole “comedic kung fu” thing) but generally hardcore martial arts film fans are going to go nuts over anything Chan has coming down the pipeline. The prolific man of action had a press conference this week where he announced his 100th film. The title is Chinese Zodiac and seems to harken back a lot to Chan’s “Operation Condor” series, where he played an adventurer who traveled the globe finding rare artifacts. Originally rumored to be a sequel in the great series (Armour of God is off the chain!), it appears this one will be a stand-alone affair. Chan will be co-directing alongside frequent collaborator Stanley Tong (Rumble in the Bronx, Supercop, Swordsman II) with cameras starting to roll sometime this Fall in France, Vienna, Hong Kong, Beijing and Kazakhstan. Should be a blast, and with the director of Supercop (best stunt oriented martial arts flick EVER MADE) I have pretty decent expectations for this one!


Thanks to Twitch for bringing it to my attention and Jackiechan.com for the graphic!

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers Review

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 28 - 2009

Got a new one for the archives. It’s really about time I got around to finally checking out Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. I’ve been hearing from my b-movie friends about this one for years but just kept putting it off. Does it disappoint? Not really, only if you were expecting Orson Welles. However, I must admit I was expecting something a little crazier. However, as it is, it’s a fairly entertaining little flick. Something most horror fans need to check out simply to say they did.

The Plot: Jack Chandler is a private detective who always has the last word. When he takes on a simple missing persons case to find a teenage girl who’s step-daddy may have touched her a little too much, he stumbles upon a world he never expected to find. In California there have been a series of grizzly chainsaw related murders. No one can quite piece the crimes together, but this detective may just discover Hollywood’s most devastating secret. When carousing the local bars, he stumbles upon the girl he has been looking for! She’s stripping (and hooking) at a rundown joint, while her hooker brethren are making the rounds about the bar picking up Johns. While enjoying the show Jack begins a conversation with one such girl, but before he knows it he’s out like a light. He had been poisoned and awakens in a room with two beautiful women standing over him. Turns out they’re part of a cult that worships the Chainsaw. Their religion is ancient, reaching far back despite the chainsaw being a modern machine and now it’s up to Jack to find out how to stop them!



CONTINUE READING THE REVIEW HERE

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 28 - 2009
The Plot: Jack Chandler is a private detective who always has the last word. When he takes on a simple missing persons case to find a teenage girl who’s step-daddy may have touched her a little too much, he stumbles upon a world he never expected to find. In California there have been a series of grizzly chainsaw related murders. No one can quite piece the crimes together, but this detective may just discover Hollywood’s most devastating secret. When carousing the local bars, he stumbles upon the girl he has been looking for! She’s stripping (and hooking) at a rundown joint, while her hooker brethren are making the rounds about the bar picking up Johns. While enjoying the show Jack begins a conversation with one such girl, but before he knows it he’s out like a light. He had been poisoned and awakens in a room with two beautiful women standing over him. Turns out they’re part of a cult that worships the Chainsaw. Their religion is ancient, reaching far back despite the chainsaw being a modern machine and now it’s up to Jack to find out how to stop them!


The Review: “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX.” if only all films could go out of their way in helping to ensure the safety of their viewing audience, but I guess that’s just what separates Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers from the rest of the pack. That and maybe the fact that it is as batty as a belltower. A horror comedy that tries about a dozen different directions, it’s goofy enough to offer a pretty fun experience. It’s also dumb enough to drag on the nerves of the majority of those who give the film any of their time. I’m a Troma nut, so I know what over the top acting for the sake of entertainment is all about. Although Hollywood never quite reaches those lengths, it certainly shares a lot in common with the Troma way of doing things. Only, instead of the focus being on gore and gross-out humor, I suppose Chainsaw is more focused on boobs and jokes. Not just “campy, look how silly our movie is!” inside jokes, but literal sight gags and puns that seem harshly dated. The filmmakers were smart enough to keep their tongues firmly glued to their cheeks for this however, and the bad jokes easily roll of the backside if you’re the right type of viewer.

To get the formula right in recreating Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, take one parts silly “Detective” softcore porn flick you’ll find on Cinemax every other Friday night. Now, take that and add it alongside a lot of horror movie references and an affection for the genre. Mix all of this with some over the top acting and gore – then you’ve got Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. There’s a lot of hatred out there for this flick, and even some undue praise for its brilliance. My personal opinion of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers lies somewhere in between. Although I can enjoy the camp value of it and the comedic direction, you still have to accept the fact that it’s still pretty poorly made and at times falls terribly flat on its face. However, it does remain sort of lovable throughout because of how naive the performances are and the camp that actually does work. The opening sequence with one of our chainsaw hookers picking up a john in a bar, then taking him home and stripping but putting on a showercap and wrapping the walls in plastic… it leads to one of the silliest and most fun chainsaw deaths in film history; as our buxom hooker dances nude in her shower camp while blood is literally thrown at her along with body parts. It’s an odd sight that kind of sets up the whole movie. If you’re not laughing at this point, chances are you’d probably do better to find something else to watch.

Despite having Gunnar Hansen in a lead role (who is subtle, almost to the point of being wooden, but still actually carries a presence and was one of the better performances in my opinion) as well as the great scream queen Linnea Quigley (who is almost TOO bubbly to take here) starring opposite our leading man, the movie just never catches any kind of spark. It’s over the top, it’s goofy but rarely does it deliver the goods as far as something we the audience have never seen before. Sure, the dance of the dual-chainsaws towards the end with Quigley naked and dancing with a snake painted over her no-no parts comes pretty close – but there’s no crazy gore, there’s no zany weirdness or anything that makes you stop and go “wow”; which is what the film is sorely missing in my opinion. It’s definitely a fun flick to watch with some friends, but keep some reserved expectations. Although the title Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers would seem to sell a balls-to-the-wall camp classic with lots of gore, lots of nudity and some shrewd wackiness – you might be disappointed walking out of this one if you keep your expectations that high. The best thing to know about Fred Olgen Ray’s masterpiece of b-cinema is that you’re going to get some boobs, some blood and a whole lot of shtick. It’s a camp comedy-horror classic in many circles, so it’s definitely a must see if only to check out all the hype, but you’ve been warned. I’m giving it a three out of five, which puts it just above average. It’s a good bit of fun, just don’t go in expecting the moon.

How Bruce Lee Changed The World

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 28 - 2009

No doubt about it, there’s really no comparison when it comes to martial arts film heroes when it comes to Bruce Lee. The man, his films and his death have perpetuated him into iconic myth status unlike any other action film star who has ever lived. No, Bruce couldn’t rip your heart out and show it to you before you die. Bruce couldn’t kill you with one punch. However, he was a thinker and in his short time helped to exapnd all of martial arts to a degree not seen before. Just watching the trailer for How Bruce Lee Changed The World has me pretty hyped myself. The History Channel has compiled this documentary featuring interviews with many contributors to the world of martial arts entertainment. The trailer shows Jackie Chan, Dana White of the UFC, Bret Ratner and hiphop’s go-to man for martial arts film knowledge; RZA. Check it out, then keep an eye out for the doumentary that airs May 10th!



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Varied Celluloid is a film website intent on delivering views on movies from all genres. Started in 2003, the website has been steadfast in its goal and features a database of over 500 lengthy reviews. If you would like to contact us about writing for the website or sending screeners, please visit the about page located here.

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