Varied Celluloid

Plot Outline: This one’s a bit hard to explain, but I’ll try my best. The film opens with the villain known as “old devil” paying a palm reader to read his palms, but she can’t on account of him being dead. Well Old Devil doesn’t like this very much so he begins to assault the young man. Before Devil has a chance to kill the young lad, a foe from his past shows up. We are treated to a short flashback explaining that Old Devil used to be known as Master Ruthless, and that he had been sentenced to be skinned, expelled, and killed for trying to steal the “secret precious document”. Old Devil explains that he is back from the dead because “the devils of the underworld want you (his past foe) to take my place”, so Ruthless/Devil kills the spike-covered ‘good guy’ and is once again chasing after those precious documents. After this we meet “ratface” a drunken Taoist who, after breaking a sacred statue, is made to find a virgin boy born on the 15th of August. From here we are introduced to just such a boy! Yuen Chu, who lives with his grandmother, just so happens to be the guardian of the very same “secret precious documents” that Old Devil is searching for. Now, can you guess where all of this is heading?

  

	The Review

This is, without a doubt, the absolute most INSANE film I have ever seen. Not just in terms of the onscreen martial arts demonstrated, this movie is just nuts across the board. During the first three minutes of runtime the audience is bombarded with so much insanity that it becomes nearly impossible to acknowledge all of it. This has to be the only known film to feature a flashback sequence within the first sixty seconds of running time. Not only is this a crazy time to include a flashback, but it turns out be a “crazy” flashback in general. In what has to be the first of roughly one billion very bizarre scenes, we get to see a man “skinned” by shoving him down a slide, with his hands placed on his sides, while chained to a metal plate. This doesn’t really “skin” him so much as give him a very nasty case of rugburn on both of his palms. Like I said though, that’s only in the first minute. The craziness spreads much farther and goes much deeper during the course of the movie We’ve got armored turtle men, watermelon monsters (standout of the film), towel throwing princesses, and even some pretty decent Kung Fu thrown in the mix as well. How can you not like that?

As mentioned above, the watermelon monster has to be the standout character of the film. Heck, he might be the standout character of any film ever made. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep at night without picturing his distorted chompers and nipple clamps. In case you’re wondering what exactly the watermelon monster is, he’s a creature that guards the “secret documents” that the old lady mentioned in the plot synopsis (did I mention the old lady is played by a man in drag? oh, I didn’t. Well, she is.). The monster appears to be some kind of spray painted globe with teeth, which also looks like a serious H.R. Pufnstuf reject, only with a smaller budget. Even still, the watermelon monster is only partly the reason this film should be seen. There’s so much more insanity that I can’t even begin to touch on. I’ve tried my dearest to find out as much information about the Yuen Clan as I could on the net, but the only thing that kept popping up was Yuen Woo-ping bios and such.

After watching something like Drunken Wutang, you can’t help but want to learn more about the psychotic minds behind it. Unfortunately, there’s just so little information available. What I want to know is just the simple things, like how long did the clan actually work together? What constitutes a Yuen Clan film? Does there have to be a certain number of members working on it? The only help I can find is on the imdb, but you have to read between the lines on there to get any information. Still, I know one thing. I must see Shaolin Drunkard/Wutang Master, from what I can tell it’s kind of a continuation of this film. Ratnose is back, and from what imdb says, looking for another cherry boy. I can only hope the watermelon monster and the ratmobile return as well, because I imagine they would be pivotal to the storyline.

	The Conclusion

So, what vital message has this film delivered to me? Well, I learned that Watermelon Monsters suck energy from their enemies nipples. Also, it seems possible to set up the story arc for an entire film within the first three minutes of it’s running time. Honestly, Drunken Wutang is just one of those very special sort of films. The kind that doesn’t come around often and will no doubt leave you laughing, crying, and singing the blessings of Kung Fu. For any Kung Fu fan, or fan of truly bizarre and outrageous cinema, this is an absolute must have. I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.