Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers | Varied Celluloid

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Posted by Josh Samford On April - 28 - 2009
The Plot: Jack Chandler is a private detective who always has the last word. When he takes on a simple missing persons case to find a teenage girl who’s step-daddy may have touched her a little too much, he stumbles upon a world he never expected to find. In California there have been a series of grizzly chainsaw related murders. No one can quite piece the crimes together, but this detective may just discover Hollywood’s most devastating secret. When carousing the local bars, he stumbles upon the girl he has been looking for! She’s stripping (and hooking) at a rundown joint, while her hooker brethren are making the rounds about the bar picking up Johns. While enjoying the show Jack begins a conversation with one such girl, but before he knows it he’s out like a light. He had been poisoned and awakens in a room with two beautiful women standing over him. Turns out they’re part of a cult that worships the Chainsaw. Their religion is ancient, reaching far back despite the chainsaw being a modern machine and now it’s up to Jack to find out how to stop them!


The Review: “The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX.” if only all films could go out of their way in helping to ensure the safety of their viewing audience, but I guess that’s just what separates Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers from the rest of the pack. That and maybe the fact that it is as batty as a belltower. A horror comedy that tries about a dozen different directions, it’s goofy enough to offer a pretty fun experience. It’s also dumb enough to drag on the nerves of the majority of those who give the film any of their time. I’m a Troma nut, so I know what over the top acting for the sake of entertainment is all about. Although Hollywood never quite reaches those lengths, it certainly shares a lot in common with the Troma way of doing things. Only, instead of the focus being on gore and gross-out humor, I suppose Chainsaw is more focused on boobs and jokes. Not just “campy, look how silly our movie is!” inside jokes, but literal sight gags and puns that seem harshly dated. The filmmakers were smart enough to keep their tongues firmly glued to their cheeks for this however, and the bad jokes easily roll of the backside if you’re the right type of viewer.

To get the formula right in recreating Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, take one parts silly “Detective” softcore porn flick you’ll find on Cinemax every other Friday night. Now, take that and add it alongside a lot of horror movie references and an affection for the genre. Mix all of this with some over the top acting and gore – then you’ve got Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. There’s a lot of hatred out there for this flick, and even some undue praise for its brilliance. My personal opinion of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers lies somewhere in between. Although I can enjoy the camp value of it and the comedic direction, you still have to accept the fact that it’s still pretty poorly made and at times falls terribly flat on its face. However, it does remain sort of lovable throughout because of how naive the performances are and the camp that actually does work. The opening sequence with one of our chainsaw hookers picking up a john in a bar, then taking him home and stripping but putting on a showercap and wrapping the walls in plastic… it leads to one of the silliest and most fun chainsaw deaths in film history; as our buxom hooker dances nude in her shower camp while blood is literally thrown at her along with body parts. It’s an odd sight that kind of sets up the whole movie. If you’re not laughing at this point, chances are you’d probably do better to find something else to watch.

Despite having Gunnar Hansen in a lead role (who is subtle, almost to the point of being wooden, but still actually carries a presence and was one of the better performances in my opinion) as well as the great scream queen Linnea Quigley (who is almost TOO bubbly to take here) starring opposite our leading man, the movie just never catches any kind of spark. It’s over the top, it’s goofy but rarely does it deliver the goods as far as something we the audience have never seen before. Sure, the dance of the dual-chainsaws towards the end with Quigley naked and dancing with a snake painted over her no-no parts comes pretty close – but there’s no crazy gore, there’s no zany weirdness or anything that makes you stop and go “wow”; which is what the film is sorely missing in my opinion. It’s definitely a fun flick to watch with some friends, but keep some reserved expectations. Although the title Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers would seem to sell a balls-to-the-wall camp classic with lots of gore, lots of nudity and some shrewd wackiness – you might be disappointed walking out of this one if you keep your expectations that high. The best thing to know about Fred Olgen Ray’s masterpiece of b-cinema is that you’re going to get some boobs, some blood and a whole lot of shtick. It’s a camp comedy-horror classic in many circles, so it’s definitely a must see if only to check out all the hype, but you’ve been warned. I’m giving it a three out of five, which puts it just above average. It’s a good bit of fun, just don’t go in expecting the moon.

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  • Yorkshire Escort
    I heard about this from my friend ages ago, been looking for it for ages.

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