Schoolgirl Report #8: What Parents Must Never Know (1974)
Director: Ernst Hofbauer
Writers: G√ľnther Heller
Starring: Wolf Ackva, Puppa Armbruster, Sandra Atia, and Astrid Boner

The Plot: In this, the eighth entry into the Schoolgirl Report series, we find what seems to be a staple of the series: sex starved young girls. Fashioned as series of vignettes, our main story deals with one class from an all-girl German highschool. These girls are apparently on a school-related trip to see the countryside and stay at a villa over the weekend. During the course of their trip, these girls inevitably tell all of their sordid sexual adventures to one another. One girl has become pregnant out of wedlock, another girl uses her sexual wiles in order to impress her father’s boss, two other girls concoct a plan to get their prudish teacher laid, and two more girls tell of an adventure involving them frolicking around with two studs while some old horny fisherman tries to ruin the day. While all of this goes on, we are also introduced to one of the male teachers from this academy. All of the girls seem to have a crush on this gentleman, but he seems to take it in stride. When one of the girls tries to take things a bit too far with him, however, repercussions will be felt.

The Review

Knowing absolutely nothing about the Schoolgirl Report series before walking into this title, I can’t say I was very prepared. Looking at the DVD cover, it appears to be your run-of-the-mill sexploitation folly. The only thing different is that this film comes from Germany, and it also features a small “cameo” by Christina Lindberg. Knowing these few things, I was prepared to follow up my recent voyages into sexploitation with something from 1970s Europe. Being that this is a European film, one can already expect the nudity to be a bit more exploitative than their American counterparts. Full frontal nudity is far from being the taboo issue that it is within American or Asian cinema. While this Schoolgirl Report series most assuredly seemed exploitative for its time, they were also quite popular from everything that I have read. The series first started out under the guise of being educational, but in reality the series was all about showing young girls doing naughty things. This basic premise certainly provided a lot of mileage, because this series carried on until it reached 13 total entries. The fact that the series was once intended to, from what I gather, show off the true life of highschool girls, this movie (and the rest of the series, I gather) shows off an idealized fantasy world in which these highschool girls are completely and utterly obsessed with sexual intercourse. Sure, puberty hits everyone differently, but these girls would try to get laid by a mop if it weren’t actively being used.

There are definitely some comparisons that can be made between this film and the Roger Corman nurse movies reviewed on this site recently (see: Private Duty Nurses). The way in which sexploitation and the world of comedy are crossed together both show drastically different takes on a similar concept. While both the American and German take on this genre represent a fairly silly approach to comedy, the German’s obviously take the sexuality to an extreme that Roger Corman would have never dared. Although the sex itself isn’t explicit, the most we get from the simulated sex are German girls dry humping their mates, there is very little that these filmmakers were afraid to show. With tons of full-frontal nudity from both male and female cast members, there is plenty of eye opening material to be found in this feature. Despite it being a bit unethical to think that the majority of girls presented here are potentially playing younger than what is considered legal (in reality, I’d be shocked if any of these girls were under the age of twenty), the movie quickly brushes aside all worries due to the very obvious reality of this situation. We know that these girls are above the age of eighteen, and the sex is obviously simulated. We are all adults (well, we should be), and we can all enjoy the phantasy in one regard or another.

If there is one thing that I have to commend the film for, it is the narrative structure of the production. Although I am not a master of sexploitation by any means, I can’t recall offhand such a montage of sexual escapades. Similar to the horror genre’s anthology films, the crux of this movie’s plot revolves around anecdotal sexual adventures described by the various highschool girls who float in and out of the main plot. After two or three of these sequences, audiences might feel a bit perplexed by this strange world of consummate sexual activity and double entendre. Yet, that is the heart of a cheeky sex film, isn’t it? So, if your expectations are based around ample nudity and some overly broad humor, then Schoolgirl Report #8 has to be cinema perfected. While I can certainly appreciate that ideal, my own personal interests lie somewhere in the middle. I appreciate the sex, but it isn’t all I come into a movie for. That isn’t to say that Schoolgirl Report lacks any other positive qualities, but in most other departments it is only serviceable. The movie looks decent, although not spectacular (more akin to the previously mentioned Roger Corman pictures than to something one might find coming from Asia during this period), and the acting certainly seems to get the job done. Although these aren’t things that deride the film, they are not areas worth praising highly, either.

So much of my opinion on the film is based upon random musings that it becomes difficult to compile a very linear series of thoughts. While I don’t want to simply compile a hitlist of fun or interesting moments, I ultimately can’t help but doing a little of that. For instance, I have to comment on the handsome male vs. sexy female ratio in this movie. Although I would imagine that Germany had plenty of handsome men during the seventies, almost none are present in this title. Similar to seventies pornography, the girls are almost always infinitely more attractive than their male partners. The fashion of outlandish facial hair on men during the seventies certainly doesn’t help anything, but the girls are so outrageously beautiful that you can’t help but notice the less-than-equal partners that they are thrown with during the course of the movie. In one of the most humorous moments, we watch as every girl in this particular class of students goes crazy over one of their male teachers. A very thin man, who is borderline middle-aged, with a receding hairline, he is hardly the masculine ideal. I don’t care what decade, or even what century, your film takes place in, this guy looks like he should be playing someone’s father. However, it still somehow works in the midst of all of the silliness thrown around in the movie. When your movie actually features a “boing” sound effect as a pair of breasts are revealed, you know you are entering into some fairly slapstick territories.

The Conclusion

So, how does one judge a movie like this? Well, you appeal to the audience. Audience members who have read this, you know if you are the target demographic. Chances are, if you are a heterosexual male, this movie probably holds a little interest for you. Buxom and beautiful German girls frolicking around in the nude? Yes please! I give the movie a solid three out of four. It isn’t spectacular, but it is more entertaining than even I could have expected.

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