|Scorpion Thunderbolt (1985)|
|Starring:||Richard Harrison, Juliet Chan, Bernard Tsui, and Maura Fong|
|The Plot: Okay, let’s try and piece this one together. There are two stories that are unfolding within Scorpion Thunderbolt, and within this IFD product, Godfrey Ho and company barely try to tie them together at all. In the larger storyline made up from Taiwanese/Korean horror film known as Grudge of the Sleepwalking Woman (thanks to Kenny B. and Jesus Pérez Molina for this info), we find a series of murders have been taking place and there appears to be no clear suspect. Enter inspector Jackie Ko and his partner Miss Lee. Although it seems highly implausible, all signs are pointing to a killer that is not human. Our police officers soon run into photographic journalist Helen who is just as curious about this case as they are, but Helen holds a rather dark secret behind her beauty. At the same time that all of this is happening, Richard (Richard Harrison) finds that he is at odds with a vampire witch (who has metal claws and plays the bongos throughout the entire movie) who desperately wants a ring that has been passed down within his family for generations. Richard fights some random people and gets to kiss on a naked chick’s boobs, all in a day’s work.|
Quickly going into the Richard Harrison plot thread, we get our first westerner at 10 minutes into the movie. Normally it seems that IFD prefers to start their movies off by introducing the ninja elements, but this go around the snakelady storyline gets to take precedent. When the westerners do show up though, they get off to an impressive start. In a jarring sequence, due to it being sandwiched between the various snaklady plot threads, we get to see a white lady flash the camera while trying to flag down a ride. Soaking wet from the rain, this gal looks rather sleazy, and Richard Harrison looks even sleazier by slamming on the brakes after seeing her bouncing breasts along the interstate. Richard Harrison, whose character is named Richard of course, is taken to this strange woman’s “studio,” aka a movie theater, where he watches a strip tease (apparently from another Godfrey Ho production) on a projector. Harrison, obviously moved by the video of a nude woman covered only in paint, turns to the stranger and says, “I’ve gotta admit… you’ve got fucking talent!” This, of course, makes the woman strip nude for him and start to dance… honestly, at this point, the movie has been derailed to such a degree that you have to ask yourself, “WHAT IS GOING ON!?” Godfrey Ho, the mad “genius” that he is, throws the audience into a curve ball situation where we completely lose track of what is going on… and its only 13 minutes into the movie. The audience isn’t expected to second-guess the situation though. Afterall, we’re watching boobies onscreen.