Review | Varied Celluloid

No Holds Barred

Posted by Josh Samford On May - 22 - 2014

No Holds Barred (1989)
Director: Thomas J. Wright
Writers: Dennis Hackin
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Joan Severance, Kurt Fuller, and Tommy “Tiny” Lister.

The Plot: Rip (Hulk Hogan) is the World Wrestling Federation champion, and if there’s one thing you can say about him: he is loyal. So, when Brell (Kurt Fuller), the head of the World Television Network, tries to persuade Rip to jump ship and join his network, he turns him down flat. Brell isn’t used to being turned down though, so a war is immediately declared between the two men. This leads Brell on a quest to find someone equally as magnetic and tough as Rip, which leads him to some local dive bars that are packed with numerous roughnecks who fight in no-holds-barred fighting competitions. Brell decides to make these vulgar events into television history and gives them the name, “Battle of the Tough Guys.” During the first event, Brell finds his man. A monster known as Zeus (Tommy “Tiny” Lister) steps forward and destroys the competition. Soon, Brell is doing everything in his power to set up Zeus vs. Rip, and he will go to any length necessary to make this match happen.

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Not Suitable for Children

Posted by Josh Samford On May - 22 - 2013

Not Suitable for Children (2012)
Director: Peter Templeman
Writers: Michael Lucas and Peter Templeman
Starring: Ryan Kwanten, Sarah Snook, Ryan Corr, and Bojana Novakovic

The Plot: Jonah (Ryan Kwanten) is an average 20-something. He parties with his friends every weekend, has a complicated relationship with his on/off girlfriend, and is very sexually active. His life is turned upside down, however, when in the process of having a one-night-stand with a random girl at one of his parties, she notices he has a lump on his testicles. Very quickly, Jonah discovers that the lump is a tumor and he does indeed have testicular cancer. The doctors want to immediately schedule surgery to remove one of his testes, but when they take a sample of his sperm, it indicates that his ejaculate will not endure the freezing process needed to sustain his DNA. So, Jonah, who has never thought much about having kids, finds himself in a rush to spread his seed. Jonah has only one month to find a woman who will have a child with him, and with his reputation, that is going to prove to be quite difficult.

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Book of Heroes, A

Posted by Josh Samford On December - 19 - 2012

A Book of Heroes (1986)
Director: Chu Yen-Ping
Writers: Sit Hing-Kwok, Chu Yen-Ping
Starring: Elsa Yeung, Pauline Lan Hsin-Mei, Yukari Oshima, and Kurata Yasuaki

The Plot: A Book of Heroes begins, as many great films do, with a bar fight. We first meet one of our main protagonists, a fiery young wannabe policewoman (played by Pauline Lan Hsin-Mei), who tries her best to break up a heroin deal, but is stopped when the evil lawyer Chu steps in and saves his group of thugs. It turns out that Chu happens to work for our principal villain, Oshima Yamashita (played by Kurata Yasuaki). Our young wannabe policewoman ends up getting her cop boyfriend, Hu Pai, in trouble with his commander. It seems Hu Pai has been given 32 missions since joining the police force and so far he has not cracked a single case. His latest debacle has come from his inability to stop a group of gangsters who pulled off a massive gold heist right in front of him. Unknown to Hu Pai, this gold heist was directly overseen by the nefarious Oshima. At the same time that Hu Pai is being punished for his terrible policework, we are introduced to a pair of con-artists named David (David Tao) and Yang Shan Shan (Elsa Yeung). These two inevitably become embroiled in Oshima’s gold smuggling business when they become hip to a map that leads to the location of all the gold. So, now it seems to be up to this very awkward group of four, and one uninitiated gas station attendant who is picked up by David and Yang Shan Shan, to put an end to these evil smugglers! Unfortunately, to do that they will have to battle Oshima and his two powerful bodyguards. One of which is played by the lovely Yukari Oshima, who may be the toughest of them all… but she also holds a mystery that will eventually unfurl.

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Posted by Josh Samford On October - 25 - 2012

Bedevilled (2010)
Director: Jang Cheol-soo
Writers: Choi Kwang-young
Starring: Seo Young-hee, Ji Sung-won, and Park Jeong-hak

The Plot: Bedevilled opens by showing two punks beat on a woman, and it turns out that these two goons actually beat the young girl to death. Hae-won (Ji Sung-won), who works at a loan office, just so happened to be the only witness to this crime. However, when the police drag her in to stand as a witness against these thugs, she repeats the fact that she didn’t see the faces of the attackers and thus cannot testify against these men. The two punks are released, and they aren’t very thankful for her allowing them to walk free. They immediately threaten and harass her. Hae-won returns to work, but finds herself having a war of words with one of her coworkers. After this incident, she is locked inside of a restroom stall in what appears to be a practical joke. Being filled with anger, Hae-won slaps the coworker who she was having problems with earlier, thinking that this person was responsible for the “joke,” but it turns out that it was all merely an accident due to a janitor jamming the door. Hae-won is relieved of her duties and takes an extended vacation. She returns to her home island, where nothing has really changed. While in town, she visits with her former best friend, Kim Bok-nam (Seo Young-hee), but finds that this good friend is in a great deal of trouble. Her husband is abusive and repeatedly cheats on her in their own home. As Bok-nam is pressed further and further, this poor abused woman finds out an even darker secret hiding right under her nose. She is pushed and pushed until she seems to be heading towards a mental breaking point.

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MST3K: King Dinosaur

Posted by Josh Samford On March - 19 - 2012

MST3K: King Dinosaur (1990)
Director: Jim Mallon
Writers: Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Jim Mallon, etc.
Starring: Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Jim Mallon, and Frank Conniff

The Plot: In the not-too-distant future, Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgeson) is abducted by his boss, Dr. Forrester, at Gizmonic institute and shot into outer space. Forrester then sends him the very worst movies that he can find in order to document his reactions. Joel, who has built two robot friends named Crow and Tom Servo, watches these movies and has a good time making fun of them in order to keep his sanity. In this episode, Dr. Forrester forces Joel to watch the 50s sci-fi title known as King Dinosaur. The story focuses on two couples, who are also scientists, that arrive on the distant planet called Nova. Nova is very similar to our earth, but as these scientists begin to investigate they find that it is slightly more primitive. Featuring giant tyrannosaurus-rex dinosaurs, who look a LOT like the household Iguana, and a lot of other really bad creature FX. This one looks like it is going to be a rough ride for Joel and his crew. Will they survive, or will their minds melt whilst watching?

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