The Horror Geek - News, Rants and Reviews From The Horror Geek!

It’s been a pretty good week for horror comedy flicks. Last Tuesday, genre fans finally got a chance to check out Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (which was well worth the wait). This week sees the release of the equally anticipated (albeit slightly less funny) Dance of the Dead. It’s a good time to be a fan of horror films-particularly if you like some humor mixed in with your blood and guts.

Deftly combining elements from Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Creeps, and, oddly enough, John Hughes’ ‘80s teen flicks, Dance of the Dead is at both once intimately familiar and totally unique. A film that gives us just what we expect from the premise, but does so with enough characterization, heart, and attention to detail to make it seem fresher than it should.

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I can safely tell you that Clarence Fok’s (who directed the very cool film The Iceman Cometh) 1992 film Naked Killer is one of the most entertaining sleaze/exploitation films I’ve ever seen. It’s got a little bit of everything-catfighting women, an impotent cop, blazing gun battles, kung-fu, and lesbians. Check your brain at the door and prepare to be entertained by this flick-which is one of Hong Kong’s infamous Category III classics.

Naked Killer doesn’t feature much of a plot, and what is there is fairly disjointed and solely designed to get the audience from one outrageous setpiece to the next. When Kitty’s (Chingmy Yau) father is murdered by her step-mother’s boyfriend, she develops a bit of an attitude toward men in general (witnessed by the fact that she stabs her hairdresser boyfriend in the groin repeatedly for flirting with another woman). She meets Tinam (Simon Yam), an impotent cop who can’t pull his gun without vomiting (because he accidentally shot his own brother in the line of duty). The two become fast friends, but it’s not meant to be-Kitty kills her father’s murderer (and all of his associates as well) and draws the attention of Sister Cindy (Madoka Sugawara), a professional hitwoman who takes her in, gives her a new identity, and trains her to be an assassin.

Sister Cindy and Kitty do a job, knocking off a Japanese guy in truly spectacular fashion, and then learn that there’s been a contract taken out on them-a contract that is to be fulfilled by lesbian hitwoman Princess (Carrie Ng). It turns out that Princess is Sister Cindy’s old student-making the proceedings more than a little complicated. Meanwhile Tinam and Kitty find each other and fall in love-which isn’t very practical considering that she’s a hitwoman and he’s a cop. And if all that weren’t enough, Princess is harboring a thing for Kitty as well-much to the dismay of her girlfriend/fellow hitwoman Baby. Eventually, Princess kills Sister Cindy, which sets up the inevitable showdown between her and Kitty.

While the plot synopsis really doesn’t illustrate it, Naked Killer bears more than a bit of a resemblance to Basic Instinct. There’s an interrogation scene that’s almost exactly like the one in that film-only not nearly as graphic. The other obvious inspiration for the film is ‘60s fare like The Avengers-there’s lots of scantily clad women catfighting throughout the film, and it’s all pretty campy. Poison lipsticks and knives on ropes are the weapons of choice, and the action choreography (while entertaining) looks like something out of the old Batman and Robin series. Although, the final gun battle between Tinam and a series or armed assassins is quite impressive, almost coming across like John Woo lite.

Clarence Fok does a solid job with the film’s direction. The film’s opening sequence is quite impressive-a woman walks home along the dark Hong Kong streets while the camera stalks her. She arrives at her apartment, turns on the stereo, and jumps in the shower-while an assailant follows right behind her. However, this scene doesn’t play out in the fashion you’d expect-the woman in the shower is none other than Princess, and the man following her lives in the apartment…and he’s her intended target. The film itself has a nice look to it, with both some interestingly shot action sequences and lots of leering lingering pans on the sex and nudity. Fok makes it clear that he realizes that this film isn’t high art, and because of it, he clearly has fun with the material.

Still, what really makes Naked Killer work are the performances. Chingmy Yau and Simon Yam are as entertaining as always, both camping it up and having a good time in the process. Carrie Ng is the real star though, as the vampy lesbian hitwoman. She brings Princess to life, whether it’s while chomping on a cigar and baiting her former teacher or while engaging in the softcore sex scenes, she’s captivating to watch.

While the film is called Naked Killer, there’s not as much nudity as you’d probably expect. What nudity is featured in the film is provided by Princess’ girlfriend, Baby. Chingmy Yau and Carrie Ng both get around having to expose any skin (which is fairly common for big stars in Hong Kong to do). Still, there’s enough flesh here to titillate the average filmgoer-just not enough for guys expecting wall to wall nudity implied in the title.

The film has been released on DVD, and it’s not a terrible transfer. The picture looks decent (well, as decent as your average Hong Kong film) and the sound is tolerable. The disc’s most annoying flaw is that it has no chapter stops-so if you stop the player, you’ve got to restart at the beginning and scan back to where you were. The movie is presented in what I believe to be Cantonese, with some laughably bad English subtitles. Some of translations are particularly entertaining-one where a character asks another is they’re “jealousing”, and Kitty’s warning to Cindy that she’ll “burst her breasts”. It doesn’t really matter though-dialogue isn’t all that important here, and you can get enough of a sense for what’s happening from the subtitles even with their flaws.

In the end, no one is going to mistake Naked Killer for art-it’s just not that kind of movie, nor does it have any aspirations to be. It is a great campy flick that highlights many of the things that Hong Kong cinema does so right, though. There’s loads of cool violence, good-looking woman, and the always entertaining Simon Yam here to make it a pleasurable viewing experience. It’s got an over the top audaciousness that fills every frame-and that is so prevalent in Hong Kong’s films. If you’re a fan of Category III flicks, Simon Yam, or campy exploitation, then Naked Killer is well worth checking out.

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

Like most art, cinema often tries to mirror life-perhaps not life as a whole, encompassing everything in the human experience, but certainly small slices of individual existences. Portraits of lives we haven’t lived, events we haven’t experienced, people we wouldn’t otherwise meet-all are brought to us through the magic of film. And while the theater experience can run the gamut of human emotions, showing us life through a million distinctly different lenses, occasionally a movie will come along that transcends the medium, becoming more than a fictional recounting of imagined events-showing us something profound about the nature of humanity and life in the process. Mike Leigh’s Naked is one of those films.

Naked is the story of Johnny (David Thewlis) an incredibly intelligent, severely caustic young man with a rapier wit and a penchant for philosophical discourse on just about any topic. After having rough sex with a young woman in alley, he steals a car and heads for London-home of ex-girlfriend Louise (Lesley Sharp). After arriving, he discovers that she’s at work. He meets her roomate, Sophie (Katrin Cartlidge), an unemployed airhead, and the two hit it off-leading to a sexual encounter. Like all of the film’s sex, it’s a sad and desperate flailing about by two people simply trying to feel something-and never really succeeding. As Sophie becomes more attached to Johnny, he becomes more abusive and distant, until finally, he leaves the apartment to wander the London night.

From there, the film could easily be retitled “Where the Night Takes You” as Johnny travels through the city’s alleys and slums, meeting a group of individuals not unlike himself-disaffected and forgotten by the society they’re trying to be a part of. Johnny rants and raves, debates and philosophizes with anyone he comes into contact with, including a night watchman, two young Scots, and a guy hanging up posters. He meets a woman who takes him, then spurns him, and finally is beaten by a gang of young thugs as he tries to sleep in an alley.

Naked is a bleak film that manages to find the beauty hidden in the ugliness all around us. Johnny is a strange dichotomy-an irritating blowhard who’s so intriguing that you find yourself drawn to him anyway. He’s clearly aware that he’s smarter than just about everyone around him, yet it gives him no real pleasure-only exasperation because he can’t always make others see his point. The people he meets during his travels are no better. All of the characters are lost souls, wandering through life seeking validation through any means necessary-whether it’s the night watchman through his job and duty or Sophie through a physical relationship. Naked centers around lives lived in quiet desperation-lives where complete and utter ruin is only one bad decision away.

The film does feature something of a plot, in the fact that it has a continuous narrative throughline and a linear progression, but truthfully, it plays more as a series of interconnected snapshots. This never hurts the film because Thewlis is a strong enough actor to make it work. With a lesser director and star, things could have quickly become disjointed and tedious. Of course, it’s really no wonder that the film turns out this way when one considers that Leigh created the film by having the actors get together and improvise situations based on the thematic material he wants to explore. From these experiments, a script is born. It’s an odd way to work, but Leigh appears to know what he’s doing.

Leigh’s direction is solid as well. The London the viewer sees is nothing like what the tourism board would show you. There’s an air of despair throughout the film, heightened by the muted colors and dark, shadowy surroundings. My only complaint is that while Naked is a film that centers around the dialogue of its characters, film is a visual medium, meaning that there are a few instances where scenes go on too long without giving the viewer much of anything to look at. Still, the dialogue is so strong, so engrossing (especially in the scenes with Johnny and the night watchman) that the occasional lapse into a “talking head” scene is almost forgivable.

Thewlis deserved an Oscar for his tour-de-force performance as Johnny. It’s an engaging, yet challenging, portrayal of a character who’s at best an existentialist with some very nihilist leanings. Thewlis takes what could have easily become a smug, conceited character and makes him one of the most interesting creations of the last decade-a prophet of despair, spreading apathy and disillusionment in his wake.

Sharp and Cartlidge are also impressive as two women with very different outlooks, both of whom love the same man. There’s a feeling of melancholy at the heart of both performances that’s so genuine that it’s easy to forget you’re watching actresses and not real people.

Naked is a film that’s not for everyone. It’s a bleak and nihilistic view of people living on the fringes of society-a place where far more of us live than the establishment is comfortable admitting. In even its brightest moments, it rarely rises above the level of “bittersweet”, yet it’s such a true and unflinching vision that one can’t help but be drawn to it…much the same way there’s often an inherent beauty in even the most ugly of things. There are no happy endings here-much like real life, yet there’s a truth to the events that make it compelling viewing anyway. At any rate, it’s a film that will live with you long after you’ve viewed it-a film not easily forgotten. Naked gets my highest recommendation.

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

Face it, we’ve all seen some pretty bad films-movies so inept that we’re left sitting in the theater (or in front of the TV) with our mouths agape wondering just what the filmmakers were thinking. Or better yet, we’ve all seen films that are so bad, so full of terrible dialogue, that we’ve felt compelled to talk back to the screen. Mystery Science Theater 3000 feels your pain, and these guys have taken the task of riffing on bad films and elevated it to an artform.

For the uninitiated, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K to the truly devoted) is a pop-culture institution. Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) is an evil scientist fixated on world domination. In order to enslave mankind, he’s had the brilliant idea of beating us into submission by forcing us to watch the ultimate in bad films. In order to test effectiveness of his Z-movie monstrosities, he beams them up into outer space. There, on the isolated Satellite of Love, Michael Nelson is forced to watch films that no one should have to endure. In order to keep his sanity, he’s got two robot friends, Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy) and Crow T. Robot (voiced by Trace Beaulieu) who watch the movies with him. Together, these three smart-alecks lambaste the onscreen action through scores of well-written jokes that skewer everything from the actors, the sets, the dialogue, and more.

The show, which debuted in 1988 on a local Minneapolis station, has ripped on a diverse range of grade Z schlockers in just about every conceivable genre over the years. For their first (and only) big screen outing, Mike and the bots tackle the 1950’s sci-fi film, This Island Earth, a movie that was fairly well regarded back in the days of its initial release. This Island Earth is your typical 50’s sci-fi film-aliens (who look strangely human except for their large foreheads) from a dying planet need Earth’s best and brightest minds to save their homeland. When that fails, they intend to take over our planet and enslave us all. On it’s own, it’s not a very interesting movie. However, with Nelson, Crow, and Servo ragging on everything from the star’s deep voice to his wormy sidekick, it becomes far more entertaining fare than it has any right to be.

From the film’s opening credits all the way through to the final frame (the guys even riff on the ending credits) MST3K: The Movie is an all out assault of pop-culture humor and references guaranteed to delight just about anyone with a sense of humor. 

The jokes fly fast and furious here, which makes viewing difficult because stopping long enough to guffaw at one punchline can cause you to miss the next three. Fortunately, the guys have added several cut scenes (much like they did for commercials when the show was still on TV). These deal with the happenings on board the Satellite of Love, and while amusing, they’re not as out and out hilarious as the scenes where the guys make fun of the movie.

If you never had the good fortune to catch MST3K during the years it was featured on Comedy Central and the Sci-Fi Channel, then I’d highly recommend checking out this film. It’s a great starting point for fledgling Misties (as fans of the show call themselves) and will prepare you to sit through some of the really atrocious fare (like Manos: The Hands of Fate and Red Zone Cuba) which have been released on VHS by Rhino Home Video. Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie gets my highest recommendation. Hi Keeba!

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

After making a name for himself by starring in numerous period martial arts films (including playing Chinese heros Wong Fei-hung and Fong Sai yuk), kung fu superstar Jet Li decided to try and parlay his success to films with a more modern setting. Overall, most of these films really tend to pale in comparison to Li’s period work-they’re not awful films, but few of them are classics. I’m not sure why Li has had such difficulty making an engaging action film in a modern setting-it could be that he simply became typecast by his period films, or it could even be that his modern day movies couldn’t compete with the madcap antics of Jackie Chan. Whatever the case, Li’s films set in the present day rarely manage to live up to his historical epics.

And that brings us to the subject of this review, Jet Li’s 1995 film My Father’s a Hero, which was released as Jet Li’s The Enforcer here in the States-a Li film with a modern day setting that ultimately fails to live up to the actor’s best work.

Li plays Kung Wei, a family man with a doting son Johnny (martial arts champion Xie Miao) and a terminally ill wife. Unbeknownst to either of them, he’s leading a secret life as an undercover cop. Soon, Kung Wei is called upon to infiltrate the organization of a master criminal named Bo (Yu Rong guang)-a job he reluctantly agrees to, even though it means leaving his dying wife.

Kung Wei infiltrates Bo’s organization, and soon runs into female police inspector Fong Yat wah (Anita Mui). Fong makes it her duty to capture Kung, and traces him back to his home on the mainland. There, she meets Johnny and his sick mother and begins to believe that Kung Wei is more than a petty criminal.

When Kung Wei’s wife dies, she takes Johnny to Hong Kong in search of his father, who’s working with Bo on a plan to rob a large auction boat. From there, things come to a head and lead to a climactic showdown where father and son take on three very bad men.

Unlike your standard Li film, My Father’s a Hero is an interesting mix of elements and not just a straight action flick. There are elements of the family drama, thriller, martial arts action, and even some of the heroic bloodshed subgenre’s stylish gunplay mixed into the narrative. Unfortunately, this broad focus tends to work against the film-the story is often spread too thin in order to accommodate all of these disparate styles.

In fact, for a Corey Yuen/Jet Li action film, My Father’s a Hero spends long stretches with no action at all, concentrating instead on trying to develop the characters or play up the drama aspects of the story (which was conceived by Wong Jing). This normally wouldn’t be a bad thing-however even with the time spent on character development here, no one’s all that particularly well-drawn and most of the drama falls well into the predictable category. Add in a healthy dose of schmaltz (because any film with a child and dying mother is going to feature an abundance of manipulative scenes designed to milk our emotions) and you get a film that really more like a movie of the week drama than a legitimate action flick-and we all know that Li’s not recognized for his brilliant acting ability…

Of course, with Corey Yuen behind the camera, you can be sure that the action that does make it into the film is going to be impressive-and you won’t be disappointed here. The film features several good action set-pieces that highlight both Li and Xie Miao’s impressive martial arts abilities. The first features Li battling several bad guys while Yuen intercuts footage of Johnny sparring during a martial arts competition. soon, the action reaches the same arena-with Johnny fighting on stage in front of a crowd and judges while Kung Wei fights in the rafters above.

Another impressive sequence involves a shootout in a restaurant between cops, Bo’s gang, and a rival gang. This scene uses a little bit of everything-there’s some martial arts mayhem, gunplay, and even explosives. There are reversals in the action on numerous occasions, and the scene ultimately culminates with a car chase, followed by one last explosion-it’s certainly heady stuff, and goes a long way to offsetting the lulls whenever there’s a series of dramatic scenes.

Anita Mui and Xie Miao get a chance to shine in a scene that has the two taking on six or so armed bad guys on a boat. Both actors dish out some heavy doses of Hong Kong style punishment to their larger and stronger assailants.

Mui also gets in the action in a later scene with Li and Yu Rong guang. Here, the two men fight while holding on to a moving garbage truck. Mui climbs a fence, shoots the driver, hops through the broken windshield, and commandeers the truck-it’s a great scene, one of the most memorable in the entire film.

Finally, Li and Yuen save the best for last-a martial arts showdown on a yacht wired with explosives with Li and Xie Miao taking on Yu Rong guang, Ngai Sing, and Ken Lo. The action here is fast and furious, and the scene really highlights the abilities of all involved. If the scene has any weakness, it’s that it relies a little too heavily on wirework with Xie Miao’s character. I don’t mind some wire-fu in my martial arts movies, but some of the stuff here just goes a little overboard-and disrupts the scene in the process. The one other problem I noticed is that this scene appears to have been sped up-making it look like everyone’s moving a lot faster than they really are. These guys are all amazing martial artists-tinkering with the speed to make them look even better seems ot denigrate their real talent, in my opinion.

The performances are all decent, even from Jet Li, who’s generally hit and miss for me in terms of actual acting. Li does a nice job here, particularly in a scene where he has to watch Bo smash his son’s head through a glass table (if Kung Wei were to intercede, his cover would be blown). Anita Mui also turns in another fine performance, playing Fong with a nice balance of tough girl cop and vulnerable mother figure throughout the film.

However, the real scene-stealer is Yu Rong guang’s Bo. Bo is a great villain, partially because he’s written with some idiosyncrasies (he’s always running around with a black trench coat, white gloves, and dark sunglasses) and partially because Yu plays the role with such an over the top zeal. You’re never really sure what to expect from this character, and that makes him intriguing. A prime example of this is when he smashes little Johnny’s head through the glass table-that’s simply something you’d never see in an American action film-or any film, for that matter.

Dimension has released this film on DVD (again, as The Enforcer here in America) and it’s another subpar job. The picture is nice (and in widescreen), but the new music and sound effects sound out of place and detract from the film overall. The dubbing, as is to be expected, is pretty awful. Track down a subtitled version if you can-the translation won’t be great, but at least you’ll hear the actors speaking in their own voices.

Overall, My Father’s a Hero is a fairly uneven affair. By trying to make a film that combined drama, action, and a little romance, director Corey Yuen has spread himself too thin-and made a film that doesn’t succeed completely on any level. This isn’t to say that My Father’s a Hero is a bad film-because it’s not. There are some great action scenes, some solid performances, and a fair degree of chemistry between the leads. Unfortunately, though, it becomes readily apparent while viewing this film that it could have been so much more-a fact that ultimately makes it a bit of a disappointment. Still, if you’re a Jet Li fan, lover of Hong Kong martial arts cinema, or just looking for an action film with some drama, then My Father’s a Hero is well worth checking out.

Horror Geek Rating: 3 out of 5

Over the course of the history of cinema, there have been many epic and monumental films created. Movies that touched our hearts, inspired thought, terrified us, made us laugh, made us cry, made us understand what it was to be human…this is not one of them. Well, okay, maybe this one did terrify some folks-but I’m betting it wasn’t in a good way.

Fortunately for us cinephiles, we had the crew of the Satellite of Love to make viewing these monstrosities a bit easier. For the uninitiated, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (of MST3K for short) was a small local show that blossomed into a full-fledged cult phenomenon and spent most of its 11 seasons running nationally on Comedy Central and the Sci-Fi Channel.

The show’s premise is a simple one-a man (originally creator Joel Hodgson, who was later replaced by head writer Mike Nelson) is beamed aboard the Satellite of Love by the evil Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) and forced to watch bad movies from all over the world. Forrester’s plan is to find the one film so terrible that it will sap the will to live from mankind, allowing him to take over the world. Unfortunately, Forrester’s plan never quite works out-sure, the movies are awful, but Joel builds himself some robot buddies out of spare parts aboard the ship. These robots-inimitable chick magnet Tom Servo (Kevin Murphy), wisecracking smart aleck Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu and later Bill Corbett), sweet and innocent Gypsy (Jim Mallon, later replaced by Patrick Brantseg) and the rarely seen Cambot-keep Joel and Mike company on their endless trip around the planet.

Crow and Servo fulfill an even more vital role, helping the guys endure some of the worst films ever made by offering up a steady stream of wisecracks, improvised dialogue, and pop culture-tinged observations that make watching these awful films far more fun than they should be. We’ve all talked to the TV or theater screen on occasion, but these guys are really good at it. The humor covers the spectrum, from childish retorts, recurring gags and lines from one episode to another, to the really smart and biting sarcasm that many of us only wish we could think of. In short, there’s a little something for everyone-and I’m not joking when I say that MST3K was one of the smartest and funniest shows to ever appear on television.

That’s right-was. In 1999 the Sci-Fi channel aired what would be the last episode of the venerable series, saddening millions of Mysties (the name for fans of the show) worldwide. However, MST3K lives on, thanks to rabid fans who circulate taped copies of the old shows, and Rhino Video, who’s slowly but surely releasing the episodes on video and DVD.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to episode # 303, an unmercifully hilarious skewering of J. Piquer Simon’s Pod People.

Pod People (which was shown in some markets as The Return of E.T.) is perhaps the most schizophrenic film ever made-a fact not lost on Joel, Tom, and Crow. There are essentially three different stories happening here-all at once-and none of them seem related. Is this a movie about a Renaissance Faire reject poacher and his Lorne Greene look-alike partner (Frank Brana) who are trying to steal some bird eggs? Is it a film about the most talentless rock group in history and the meaningless lyrics that populate their breakthrough single Here the Engines Roll Now (aka Idiot Control Now)? Maybe it’s a film about little Tommy who likes bugs and lives in the woods with his weird mother and gruff, booze-swilling uncle?

Ha! You’re wrong on all counts! Well, sort of… To be honest, Pod People is the story of lovable alien Trumpy, a small man dressed up in a gorilla suit with and aardvark mask on his head. Think of Trumpy as a cross between Alf and E.T.’s dumber, uglier younger brother and you’re on the right track. E.T. could make his finger light up, bikes fly, stuff like that. Trumpy has the amazing talent of making a Simon game turn into a cheesy electronic jukebox and for making things fly around the room in some really lame looking stop motion film technique. If I was Tommy (and thank god I’m not…) I’d feel slighted.

The film opens up with some really cheesy looking modified home video footage of various people encountering a monster. The monster we see here is never in the film, of course, but who cares? We also get our first chance to experience the ‘soundtrack’-three or four new age-style notes played repeatedly on what appears to be a Casio keyboard. Servo does a nice bit poking fun at the soundtrack and new age musicians from the Bay Area, and we’re off and running.

Soon, we’ve met all of our disparate characters (including the greasy looking lead singer of that inane band, the one who gets the film’s most quotable line-after wrapping another take of the classic Idiot Control Now song, he’s asked how was it. He replies by making an ok sign with his fingers while melodramatically proclaiming ‘it stinks!’) and thankfully, they’re all starting to get picked off one by one. It’s not by our buddy Trumpy, instead, it’s by a look-alike alien who might be his mother, or might have just happened to spend his winter in the same stretch of forest-we never really know.

This, of course, all leads up to the big climax, where Tommy and Trumpy, our two star-crossed lovers, realize that they’re truly from different worlds and that their burgeoning relationship wouldn’t be allowed to flourish on this planet-or any other, hopefully.

This is a particularly fun episode because the film is bad (but not unwatchable like some of the films they riffed ala Red Zone Cuba) yet lends itself to being made fun of quite well. There are lots of jokes at the expense of the Renaissance Faire guy (including someone repeating Huzzah! each and every time he’s on the screen) and a recurring gag that has Joel, Crow, and Servo calling out random names whenever someone on the screen does it (which culminates with Servo or Joel saying ‘chief?’ and Crow answering with ‘McCloud?’)

The rest of the film is filled with the usual observational humor, riffs on continuity gaffes, and of course, the host segments.

Host segments are the two or three times that the guys get to come out of the theater (after a commercial break) and do a little skit on something from the film. The two segments here are really good-the first involves Joel rocking out his own rendition of Idiot Control Now (complete with nonsensical lyrics about feeling the wind in his eyes) backed up by Crow, Servo, and Gypsy who all donned some very stylish maid of honor dresses/prom gowns.

The second segment has Joel, Crow, and Servo planning to get rich by writing some new age Yanni-style power chords on their wall of keyboards. Crow comes up with a chord guaranteed to get them a record deal-all while eating a sandwich with his free hand.

The episode finishes up with Joel and the ‘bots singing the bittersweet A Clown in the Sky–ah, I’m getting all misty just thinking about it…

At any rate, if you’ve never seen an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (and shame on you if you haven’t) then Pod People is an excellent starting point. It’s a bad film made funny by the hilarious observations of Joel and the fellas, and will prepare you for more difficult fare-like the legendarily bad (and hilarious) Manos: The Hands of Fate and various Joe Don Baker monstrosities like Mitchell. Huzzah!

Horror Geek Rating: 4 out of 5

Even the most naïve and idealistic movie fan understands one simple concept about cinema-each year, hundreds of films are released and the many of them will be awful. Sure, there are films that are so awful that they somehow manage to transcend their cinematic caste and become good in their own way, but like legitimately good films, these movies are few and far between. And while there’s no shortage of legitimately bad films floating around out there on your 200 channel digital cable and collecting dust at your local Blockbuster, there are some films that are so terrible, so inept, that one has to wonder how they ever got made.

If you’ve ever stumbled across one of these monstrosities, you’ve no doubt found yourself sitting in front of the TV, wincing at the non-existent acting, rolling your eyes at the plot contrivances, and talking back to the screen whenever some particularly inane piece of dialogue is uttered. If this describes you, then you’re very likely to enjoy Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show that took skewering bad cinema and made it an artform.

I’ll not regale you with the whole history of MST3K here (you can check out my review of Pod People for a detailed look at the show itself and review of that particular episode), I’ll just give you the basics and get on with it.

When evil scientist Dr. Clayton Forrester decides he wants to take over the world, he comes up with a unique plan-find the worst movie ever made, one that will sap the will to live out of anyone who views it, and show it to the masses. To implement this plan, he needs a guinea pig to test the movies-enter Joel. Joel is beamed aboard the Satellite of Love, a dog biscuit-shaped space vehicle circling the Earth, and forced to watch bad films. To help pass the time (and keep his sanity) he builds several robots. Two, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, join him in viewing each week’s film-and together, the three heckle these movies unmercifully, striking a defiant blow against bad cinema for every average Joe who’s had to sit through a Joe Estevez film.

Today, we’re going to take a look at episode #512, the classic Mitchell.

Mitchell is a 1975 action film starring lummox Joe Don Baker as a beer-swilling cop that no one likes. The film is a mess, with Joe Don lumbering around slurring his dialogue, boring action scenes, an unbelievable romance between Baker and prostitute Linda Evans, a scene where the boom microphone is visible, and a convoluted plot about heroine smuggling filled with a bunch of guys who all have vaguely interchangeable Italian names mixed with a subplot involving a rich guy who’s shot a Johnny Mathis-look-alike burglar in his home.

Martin Balsam, Merlin Olsen (who is the butt of many FTD-flavored jokes, including one about sending him the ‘loser actor bouquet), and John Saxon round out the cast, and even the presence of cult film icon Saxon can’t save this abortion-which makes it a perfect candidate for an MST3K ripping.

From the opening moments of the film (where there’s this weird, blurred freeze-frame shot of Joe Don Baker grimacing as he lifts something over his head while some 70’s style wackacha funk plays on the soundtrack) you can tell that this is going to be one of those special episodes-one where all of the jokes hit their mark and you’re going to be rewinding because you’ll miss two jokes while you’re busy laughing at the first one.

Joel, Crow, and Tom have a special brand of contempt for Joe Don Baker, continually insulting his appearance, his dull-witted facial expressions, his propensity for drinking booze and eating, and his poor personal hygiene. It’s one of the most savage, incredibly hilarious character deconstructions I’ve ever seen. Zingers fly fast and furious here, and even though I’ve seen this particular episode 10 or more times, each viewing gives me new lines that I’d forgotten.

It’s fitting that this episode is so on target because it’s also memorable for being series creator Joel Hodgson’s last episode as host. The episode’s host segments set up a story about Dr. Forrester and sidekick Frank planning to fire temp employee Mike Nelson. Unfortunately, Gypsy (another of the ‘bots) overhears their plan and think they’re planning to kill Joel. So, she decides to save him, putting him into a single occupant escape pod that had been hidden in a box of hamdingers aboard the SoL.

This is the passing of the reins from creator Hodgson to head writer Mike Nelson, who will spend the next few years as host and only human resident on the satellite. Unlike the whole ‘Kirk vs Picard’ thing that Trekkies obsess over, there’s no real division amongst the fans on who the better host is-both guys are excellent. I think my own personal preference is for Mike, but then I’ll see a Joel episode and remember that both guys are excellent at what they do.

Ultimately, Mitchell is one of the classic episodes of this series-a show that turned out more than a few classic episodes during it’s long run. Longtime fans of the show often list this episode in their top 5 (along with Manos: The Hands of Fate), which is pretty high praise, indeed. If you’ve never seen an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 this might be the one to see. However, I think you should start with something like Pod People and work your way up to this one. You’re more likely to really appreciate this one once you’ve become familiar with the cast and how the show works. At any rate, if you like smart-aleck humor and bad movies, Mitchell belongs on your must see list.

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

Over the course of its 11 season run, the boys on the Satellite of Love screened some really awful movies and turned the act of savaging them into an artform. And while nearly all of the titles lampooned over the years were truly bad movies (although some, like Mario Bava’s Danger: Diabolik were certainly entertaining on their own), there are a select few that transcend the bad movie category and become something even more heinous-unwatchable. These movies-which probably shouldn’t even be called movies-were so inept, so awful, that no mere mortal should ever attempt to sit through them. Manos: The Hands of Fate is one of those movies.

There’s really only one way that the ‘average Joel’ should sit down and undertake a viewing of fertilizer salesman Hal Warren’s 1966 magnum opus on how not to create a film, and that’s with the Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot-the wisecracking crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000 –relentlessly skewering it.

I’ll not regale you with the whole history of MST3K here (you can check out my review of Pod People for a detailed look at the show itself and review of that particular episode), I’ll just give you the basics and get on with it.

When evil scientist Dr. Clayton Forrester decides he wants to take over the world, he comes up with a unique plan-find the worst movie ever made, one that will sap the will to live out of anyone who views it, and show it to the masses. To implement this plan, he needs a guinea pig to test the movies-enter Joel. Joel is beamed aboard the Satellite of Love, a dog biscuit-shaped space vehicle circling the Earth, and forced to watch bad films. To help pass the time (and keep his sanity) he builds several robots. Two, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, join him in viewing each week’s film-and together, the three heckle these movies unmercifully, striking a defiant blow against bad cinema for everyone who’s ever had to sit through a Joe Estevez film.

For this week’s ‘experiment’, the mad scientist has chosen the aforementioned Manos: The Hands of Fate, a film he describes like this: “your average Joe has never seen a film like today’s experiment. The average person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. Joel Average. I give to you Manos: The Hands of Fate“.

And with that, one of the most infamous episodes in MST3K history is off and running.

Things open up with a short, part 2 of Hired. Hired is a classic slice of vintage Americana circa 1940. It’s a short film put out by Chevrolet designed to help managers get the most out of their employees. As is to be expected, it’s filled to the brim with hoary clichés, trite sentiment, and good, old fashioned American moralizing. The guys have a field day with this one, riffing on everything from the hard sell practices of the sales force all the way through to the manager’s father, who keeps swatting at imaginary flies swirling around his head. This is one of the classic shorts from the series, right up there with the ones on personal hygiene, the importance of shop class, and the famous “having a date with your family”.

From there, we segue directly into Manos–god help us all.

Hal Warren (who wrote, directed, and stars in this mess) was a Texas fertilizer salesman who made a bet with a friend that he could make a successful low-budget horror film. Warren rounded up a group of actors (most with no training whatsoever), an ancient camera (that could only capture 32 seconds of footage at a time and couldn’t record sound), and pounded out a script filled with long periods where nothing at all happens (witnessed early on through the 10 or so minute long segment of the family driving through the country).

What little plot there is revolves around a young family heading on vacation. Father Michael (Hal Warren), Mother Margaret (Dianne Mahree) and daughter Debbie (Stephanie Nielson) are looking for a country lodge. Instead, though, they discover the house of ‘the Master’ (Tom Neyman). The Master’s pad is maintained by Torgo (John Reynolds), his very large kneed caretaker (who also has his own theme music).

Michael and the family wind up staying at Casa de Master, and weird stuff starts happening. Soon, the Master and his bevy of scantily clad brides (who engage in a battle royale fight scene at one point) have awakened from their ancient slumber-and the master’s looking for a new wife…one named Margaret. Can our heroes escape from Torgo and the Master? Can they survive appearing in a film this awful? Can anyone survive a viewing of the horror that is Manos: The Hands of Fate?

Oh, I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the subplot involving to local deputies and a couple constantly making out on the side of the road. These guys have nothing to do with the main storyline (ever), but they do pad the short running time.

Finally, I should also point out that no one who appeared in this film ever worked in film again-and that John Reynolds committed suicide in 1966 as well.

Joel and the ‘bots do some of their best work here, ripping Manos in just about every way possible-no small feat when you consider that there are long stretches of the film where nothing happens at all. During these spells, the guys simply repeat the title, often stressing different parts of the film’s name-and it’s a lot funnier than it should be. Torgo is the butt of numerous jokes, from his large knees, his strange stammer, his penchant for repeating himself, and his way with the ladies. The Master also takes his fair share of abuse, particularly for his large black and red robe with the giant hands on it.

To their credit, they never mention that the film title is literally translated to ‘Hands: The Hands of Fate‘-I suppose that one was just too easy.

The host segments are also quite funny, with both Dr. Forrester and sidekick TV’s Frank sneaking off to apologize to the fellas for the awful film chosen for this week. Then, in another segment, Joel himself takes a crack at being the Master-complete with goofy cape, black moustache, and a hellhound in the form of Crow-with disastrous results. Couple this with the film, the short, and the funny invention exchange, and you get an episode that works on every level.

In the end, this is one of the crown jewel episodes of MST3K, one cited by both the hardcore fans and newcomers alike as one of the best episodes in the show’s long and illustrious history. I wouldn’t tackle Manos for my first experience with MST3K, but I’d definitely pull it out anytime I needed a movie guaranteed to crack me up. Thank you Hal Warren for creating this abomination, and thank you Joel, Tom, and Crow for making it not only watchable, but also entertaining.

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

Abel Ferrara seems to be one of those directors that people simply love or hate. There’s just not much middle ground with the man’s work. And while those who tend to dislike his films often find them unenjoyable because they’re exploitative, or too bleak and dark and depressing, many of us love them for the exact same reasons. Say what you will about Ferrara’s films, but there’s a definite aesthetic at work in them-the man has a gift for capturing the hopelessness and despair of living in a blasted urban landscape like the New York City featured in most of his films…and 1981’s exploitation masterpiece Ms. 45 is no exception.

Lovely young mute Thana (Zoe Tamerlis) works in the textile industry in New York City. One afternoon, while walking home, a masked man (Abel Ferrara himself, credited as Jimmy Laine) pulls her into an alley and rapes her. Traumatized, but unable to tell anyone, she heads home. She arrives at her apartment only to discover that it’s in the process of being robbed-and when the burglar discovers that she’s a mute, he rapes her as well (talk about bad days…). Our heroine has had enough, though, and she brains this goon with an iron, stores his body in her bathtub (till she has time to chop it up and dump it in various parts of the city later) and take his gun as her own-the infamous .45 of the title.

At first, Thana only uses the gun for protection. She’s suffering from post traumatic stress (witnessed by the flashbacks to her original attacker). She blows away a young guy who may or may not be out to harm her. After that, her mental state worsens…she’s out hunting rapists. From there, she devolves to killing any man who so much as touches a woman in an intimate way, before the film climaxes with a mass shooting at a Halloween party (where Thana shows up as a pretty sexy looking nun).

Many critics are quick to label this film as two things: Exploitation (which it is) and a reverse gender version of Death Wish. I suppose you could make the Death Wish statement and be correct-although Tamerlis is a lot easier on the eyes than Charles Bronson. Honestly, I think it has just as much in common with that other rape/trash film legend I Spit on Your Grave. Although, to be fair, Ms. 45 is a much better made film than either of those movies-for several reasons.

First off, this was only Abel Ferrara’s second feature length film (I know he directed a porn film before Driller Killer, which I’m not counting, and a film that was a short)-but you’d never know that from looking at it. Ferrara is already showing signs of a distinct visual style in this film. From the way he captures the garbage strewn streets of New York, to the way he makes every man, good or bad, look like a sleazy predator with only the camera, through to the distinctive angles he uses to shoot his scenes and the nice transitional edits between shots-Ferrara demonstrates that he has a nice eye for how to shoot and cut a film. That technical skill (which grew by leaps and bounds here compared to Driller Killer) makes the film-which looks like your average exploitation flick on a cursory inspection-rise above its low-budget trash roots and become something more…an exploitation film that works on more than just one level.

The film’s other major strength is the performance of Tamerlis. Thana’s a mute, but Tamerlis manages to convey a wide range of emotions through her facial expressions throughout the film. Generally, you’d think that making a movie with a mute as the main character would be next to impossible, but Ferrara and Tamerlis pull it off here. It’s impressive watching Thana transform from naïve young innocent in the beginning of the film to the bitch-goddess-destroyer that she becomes by the climax. And as a testament to the script, Tamerlis’ acting, and Ferrara’s direction, it’s totally credible.

If the film has any downside, it’s the cheesy early ‘80s soundtrack that fills much of the movie. Some of the pieces are moody and capture the proper feel of the scenes they’re used in, but the main theme, which plays during the party climax and the credits, is an annoying little piece of instrumental music that’s guaranteed to become lodged in your head for days. Truthfully, it sort of sounds like bad ‘70s porno music-not the kind of stuff you want to find yourself humming in the grocery store the next day.

Ms. 45 has just been released on DVD, and the results are absolutely incredible. The film looks pristine, full of vibrant colors, a clear picture, and a nice soundtrack. Viewing the new DVD sure beats watching those tired old rental copies, with their grainy picture and audio dropouts from repeated viewings, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, the disc is pretty bare bones in terms of extras-there’s an interactive menu and chapter search, and that’s it…no commentary, no featurette, not even a trailer. Still, it’s just nice having a good clean copy of this film available to view…so I’m not too disappointed.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a few observations I made about the film…these didn’t really fit in anywhere else in the review, so I’m mentioning them here. First off, while Thana is a mute, she does actually utter her friend’s name in the last shot of the film-which raises the question, was she really a mute all along, or did she suffer some other stressful psychological event prior to this film that left her unable to speak? Perhaps she was already on the downward spiral before the events of this film took place. Second, be sure and notice how Thana’s friend holds the knife during the final scene-it’s very phallic, and totally fitting seeing how Thana’s already been raped twice in this movie. I imagine most people would probably catch that, but I offer it up just in case someone out there might have missed it. It’s a nice touch on Ferrara’s part.

In the end, Ms. 45 is every bit the exploitation classic it’s been championed as over the past twenty years. Zoe Tamerlis and Abel Ferrara have combined forces to make a powerful, gritty, and disturbing film about a woman pushed too far. It’s nowhere near as gory or excessive as I Spit on Your Grave (in fact, the rape scenes are very short, and not too graphic), but it’s a ultimately a much more effective film. If you’re into Ferrara, the vigilante film subgenre, women’s revenge films, or exploitation cinema in general, then Ms. 45 is a ‘must buy”. You won’t be disappointed.

Horror Geek Rating: 5 out of 5

Here’s yet another classic Hong Kong horror flick, this one dealing with the Chinese version of vampires. The Chinese vampire is quite a bit different from its American and European counterparts. Unlike the western vampire, the Chinese undead don’t turn into fog or bats, they don’t drink blood, and they’re not suave and debonair. No, the Chinese vampire is distinctive for one main reason…its mode of travel. After spending years in the grave, rigor mortis sets in-so when the vampire rises, he’s very stiff. This stiffness makes it so that the only way he can move is by hopping-that’s right…hopping. And while the idea of a hopping vampire seems incredibly absurd, it’s actually pretty cool. It’s certainly one of the main reasons why Mr. Vampire is such a hoot to watch.

Mr. Vampire tells the tale of the “one eyebrow priest” Kau (Lam Ching-Ying) and his two bumbling assistants, Man Choi (Ricky Liu) and Chou (Chin Siu-Hou). These three men maintain an ancient monastery-one that houses more than a few of the hopping undead. When Kau is called upon by Mr. Yam to rebury his dead father, Kau discovers that the body has been buried in a way conducive to causing the dead man to rise as a vampire. Kau and his assistants take the corpse and casket back to the monastery in order to perform some Taoist rituals to stop the corpse from rising-all to no avail. The dead man turns into a vampire and kills Yam-an act that Kau is arrested for by Yam’s bumbling cop nephew-which leaves the real killer vampire free to roam the countryside in search of fresh victims. But that’s not all…in a subplot, Chou becomes enchanted by a female ghost-one who wants to send him to an early grave.

Like all Hong Kong horror (except for the gritty and violent category III films that have become popular in recent years) Mr. Vampire showcases far more slapstick comedy than out and out frights. The vampires are blind, so the only way they can find their victims is through homing in on their breath-which leads to several humorous scenes where characters try and hold their breath as one of the undead stands directly in front of them. The vampires can be killed, but not through traditional means. Kau and company must place Taoist prayers written on rice paper on the monster’s heads in order to stop them, or touch them with a string dipped in an ink made from chicken blood. The vampires are also vulnerable to uncooked sticky rice-which absorbs the poison from their system. While all of this probably sounds really silly to western audiences, how is it any sillier than a stake through the heart and a clove of garlic?

The film features a lot of kung fu, as Kau and Chou battle the resurrected vampire on several occasions. The scenes are shot in your typical chop socky style of Hong Kong martial arts flicks, but they’re a lot of fun to watch. Kau and Chou are pretty tough guys, but these vampires are all but impervious to physical attacks.

Ricky Lau’s direction is competent throughout. He gives the film an interesting look in the night scenes, not unlike the later Chinese Ghost Story series. There’s nothing too flashy here, but that doesn’t hurt the film.

What does hurt the film is its pacing. The best scenes are the ones where the hopping vampires are around, or when Kau battles the ghost that has haunted Chou. These scenes are the film’s strongpoint, but they’re too few and far between. Instead, we’re treated to a multitude of scenes with Mr. Yam’s bumbling police officer nephew-who isn’t funny and over acts in a big way. Equally bothersome is the film’s ending. After the climactic battle with the hopping vampire, the film just stops-offering nothing in the way of resolution. Does Man Choi become a vampire? Does Yam’s daughter (played by the enchanting Moon Lee) fall in love with either of the assistants? No one knows, because the film never bothers to tell you.

Mr. Vampire inspired no less than 8 other films with the Mr. Vampire name, as well as a whole subgenre of Hong Kong hopping vampire flicks. By all accounts, this is the best of the bunch. Be careful seeking it out, though-this film was released in 1984, yet there’s another entitled Mr. Vampire 1992 (with Lam Ching-Ying and directed by Ricky Lau) that’s little more than a disappointing sequel.

The film was recently released on DVD, but the version I viewed was a VHS cassette. The picture on the VHS is a bit grainy, but not unwatchable. The subtitles are fair, with the standard usage, grammar, and word choice problems, but they don’t detract from the overall effect. The VHS is a pan and scan print, which means that the beginning and endings of the subtitles get cut off on the edges of the screen in some parts-but not to the point where you can’t tell what was being said (like almost all of the other pan and scan Hong Kong videos out there).

Ultimately, Mr. Vampire isn’t for everyone. I’ve no doubt that most western audiences will find the slapstick elements and the hopping vampires themselves too hokey to actually enjoy the film-which is a shame, because Mr. Vampire is a fun movie that never takes itself seriously, yet offers up an intriguing portrait of how another culture views the vampire. If you’re a fan of Hong Kong cinema, or a fan of vampire films in general, you should check out this film-if for nothing other than to see how another culture views one of the most iconic monsters of all time.

Horror Geek Rating: 3 out of 5